... Life as I know it ...

Lately I have gotten into the habit of staying up WAY too late!! For no reason at all!

This is something I really need to work on stopping! Mainly because I need more sleep! But also because I am finding myself constantly getting tired and pushing the snooze button one too many times in the morning even after I have had a full nights rest!!


I have gotten in the mood of just wanting to lay in bed for days! and I know that once I fall asleep, I sleep! I find myself a VERY deep sleeper! and I sometimes think its a very scary thing because, believe it or not I like to be awake, but sometimes I find it hard to find something worth while to wake up to ...

Sometimes extra sleep can be a good thing but most times its not such a good thing! I have been feeling extra lazy and well I feel I have gotten to the point of not really caring anymore ... and it actually kind of strikes me as scary!

...I don't want to be known as the girl that is forgetful, lazy and is just all together lost!...

Friends I am going to be honest with you! I love life! and a lot of times I wonder what I'm doing here! Why I am continuing to stay where I am and What I am going to do with what comes next! ... I am constantly intimidated by everyone around me! All of these wonderful people I live with, Go to Church with and even work with! Friends! You all scare the living daylights out of me!! I feel at times that I will never be able to stand up next to all these amazing people around me! I find myself trying to fit in, trying to learn more about who's who, whats what and everything else! ... I mean I have been trying so hard to figure out whats going on in this world that I am realizing that I myself am getting well ... overwhelmed ...





I have been thinking back to when I was a little girl a lot lately! ...

I was so youthful ... I knew what I knew and I was ok with it ... I listened to the Beatles and the Beach boys always, I was in love with N'SYNC and Brittany Spears (when she was younger) ... I didn't even realize how "uncool" I really was (or still am ...)





I never listened to anything I didn't think my parents wouldn't like mainly because I wanted and still want to make them happy! I never wanted to do anything that would make them not be proud of me! My parents are my life! I love them with all my heart and soul! They have helped me become who I am and I think too many times I blame them for stupid things ... Things that really don't even matter!! My mom used to always tell me when I was younger to always blame her if there was ever something I didn't want to do, but was too scared to admit that it was just me that didn't want to do it! ... My mom helped me grow a love for music that I think has been put on the back burners for too long! When I was a little girl I used to play the Piano all the time like all of my other brothers and sisters! I remember writing songs when I was younger then writing a simple melody to it and then practicing that ... I played the Violin for 6 years of my life and LOVED it! ... WOW! ... I think that right now I am just writing to write but I remember having such a passion for music! I dont know artists and I don't know much about whats "in" But I do know what I like ... what makes me feel good and what touches me as a person ...



Lately I have been looking back a lot! back into my past and then looking at where I am today!




In middle school all I wanted was to be accepted, and yet I carried a Violin and had a Rolling Backpack (yes the ever popular rolling backpacks)...















in high school I tried to figure things out and learned a little more about myself so I still played my violin but didn't carry it around anymore and upgraded to the Jansport backpack which eventually I got rid of and traded to carrying a purse and my binder ... haha ... anyway ... who really cares ... right I'm just rambling now ...

... Anyway ...

My point is for todays blog is that I have come a long way I moved out on my own ... to Utah of all places ... for who knows why but because of it I have faced more trials and set backs and just overall joys then I ever would of thought possible and even though today or tomorrow or next week might really stink!!! .... when I look at the overall picture my life has been turning out well! I still love music more then anything in this world! It touches a piece of my soul that nothing else on this earth ever can touch! and I have learned to love those around me unconditionally even though in the end they may still end up hurting me!!

There is so much more to me then what meets the surface and I know that if thats true for me that that is even more true for others! and I can only hope to continue putting myself out there all vulnerable and such to get hurt 9 times out of 10 so that that 1 time I don't get hurt it will only mean that much more! Like Forest Gump says "Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get" Friends! I know that there is more to this life and all of this heartache, learning and joy is for a reason! Sometimes there is more heartache then joy but how else would we learn right? We don't always get what we want! Sometimes we need to get to the point of not caring and being comfortable with ourselves before we can gain true joy!! How can we expect others to love us when we don't love ourselves!! The lord loves us and only wants the best for us so why let him down!? Continue to strive for your best and he will help us through! I know he will even though at times I have my doubts too! ... I love you all and I will write another confusing blog another time! till next time! night!

A link to Colbie Caillat-Feelings show :)

P.S. I love Colbie Caillat Music a lot .. if you haven't heard her stuff I recommend listening to her stuff! :) ♥ love it! :) K night!