The Missing Piece?

My whole life I have been looking, learning and figuring out who I am and whats next. My whole life I have been putting together my puzzle, piece by piece, one by one you start to figure out that you are putting together a beautiful picture! Something that has a story to tell! Something with meaning! Now sometimes in puzzles you get stuck with a middle piece that wont fit anywhere yet so you put it to the side till you can put more of the puzzle together! Sometimes you even are able to put random parts of the puzzle together! before you can find a place for them in the actual masterpiece! ... your thought is always what am I missing? what will be the next piece that I can put in here!? ... I feel that this relates a lot to my life ... and Im sorry but metaphors are really the only way I can think I guess in order to make sense in my head at least so please ... bare with me! :) it just struck me today while I was talking to a friend who is now moving on with his life but something he said really struck me today! I couldn't stop thinking about it! ... well obviously because I am writing a blog about it at 2am ... but this thing he said to me stuck in my thoughts so much that this is the only way I can think to maybe make sense of it? ... or if not I'm just talking to talk ... anyway ... now this is an old friend who ... well the past is past but this friend said to me today that he was sorry nothing worked out between us, and get this, as he was being so sweet and explaining to me, he said that even though he liked me there was something missing, something that he just couldn't make right in his head ... now the thing that struck me most is when he said that there was something missing ... this struck me hard mainly because, one I have been told this so many times!! and two lately I have been thinking of my life puzzle ... I personally have been thinking that there is something I need to learn, something that I need before I can move on! Something missing! now I know this is silly of me but I truly feel that the reason I have not kept a reasonable relationship is because I really am missing something! I need to make my life right before I can even think of getting in a relationship!

OH MAN! it is just starting to make sense to me! I have been searching so hard for what I thought I needed that I forgot that I just needed to stop looking and start learning! The lord is the one! He is the only one and he knows what I need and when I need it!

Being out here in Provo gets to me after a while! All of the marriage/relationship stuff! So often it gets me down, rejection after rejection, or for some date after date and still, nothing but friends! what is it that we are missing? what else do we have to do to finally be able to find that one person who cares for you more then anyone on this earth? What else do I have to do to find that man who will want to fight for me? or to just love me for me!? ... I know we have all been through this ... And life can end up sucking a lot when you realize that your feelings are a lot more then you can handle!!

My life has not been the smoothest track when it comes to the subject of boys! I am the kind of girl who jumps before there is even a safety net in place! (leaves a lot of room for injuries) Boys have always been a big part of my life! when I was 5 or 6 years old I had a wedding ceremony held outside in my front yard! My neighbor was the groom, my friends in the neighborhood were all there and I walked down that aisle (our brick walkway) with my head held high in my prettiest (hand me down) dress with a bunch of beautiful wild flowers (weeds) in my hand. What girl has not wanted to feel that kind of love? that kind of devotion? ... We grow up thinking that one day we will have that one special day in our lives ... but we never were taught how to get there ... I mean yes when we are in Young men/Young Women we are taught the standards and the proper steps but we are never taught how to handle the feelings of hurt and disappointment when you don't get asked out to your first dance, or when you get older and are finally able to go on group dates but no one will ever ask you? or what about when you finally get a boyfriend, what do you do when he breaks up with you in front of all of your friends, just to humiliate you? what do you do when your first love dumps you right before the prom you have planned so long for? ... and if that's not enough what do you do when you graduate High School and you find out your boyfriend has been cheating on you and yet he still ends up being the one to dump you? what do you do then? ... and just when you think its about over and you are SO close to "walking down that aisle" what do you do when the Man you said yes to no longer wants the same thing and leaves you a month before the big day? what do you do then? you move on and try again right? ... but then what happens when you try to pick up again and you are met with another "it just doesn't feel right" what then? ....... No one prepared us for all the heart ache! no one prepared us for the trip to "happily ever after" ... but then again no one said it would be easy! Giving up is one option that I have not tried and I am not saying that I will but ... not trying so hard is something I think might be a good thing for me! I need to find my missing piece! Somehow through all of the hurt and disappointment something gets lost ... you learn more and you understand more that through much sorrow is GREAT joy!

I have realized that there is something missing and that I need to find myself and be comfortable with myself before I can let someone else in ... at least that's the only thing I can come up with! for the first time in my life I have realized that dating is not really something that I like to do! I have learned that its ok to take my time! Life is full of surprises and I am SO ok with it! For the most part! I need to find out what that missing feeling is! what is it that I am missing to create this missing feeling ... I mean sure it could just be that I have not found that right guy but I do not believe that there is only one person out there for us! I believe that there are many we just need to realize and open our eyes to what is around us and stop complaining about what we dont have when in reality the lord has given us so much! he has given us life and so many people and choices and just everything! ... anyway! my life is a puzzle! some parts are harder to piece together then others but through this life I know joy will be found but in order to get to that joy I must experience sorrow! ... or else how would we know what Joy feels like?



just some songs I was thinking about :)